


Love Will Keep Us Alive

by adventurouswallflower (destieldearie)



Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: Eventual JDox, M/M, This is so sad and I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-07 00:29:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15897225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destieldearie/pseuds/adventurouswallflower
Summary: Ben and Perry meet, fall in love, and experience tragedy.





	Love Will Keep Us Alive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pcrrycox](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcrrycox/gifts).



> So really, you should thank Taylor (@pcrrycox) for this because we scream at each other on the blue hellsite that is Tumblr daily about Ben and Perry. 
> 
> This will be a 'verse because I couldn't possibly write down everything in just one fic. I'll eventually add more one shots as I write them, but there will be another long ass chapter detailing the JDox portion. 
> 
> I try to stay relatively canon-compliant, but honestly that probably flew out the window 16k words ago.
> 
> Anyway, please come yell at me on the Tumblr about these sweet sunshines!

Ben watched him while he re-shelved his books. He’d seen the redheaded guy around the sciences building before and they always shared a polite smile as they rushed to class. That small smile always made his stomach twist a little and there was no denying that Ben thought he was attractive. Ben studied him some more and absently wondered what the other man was scribbling furiously in a notebook while wishing he could go up and strike up a conversation with him. Jordan always made it look so effortless, but he just could never say the right things or tell jokes without weird looks, like he’d just started speaking in another language. So, he preferred to watch people instead of actually talking to them. Everyone was so interesting, the way they acted when they thought no one was watching. That’s what his camera was for and why he’d finally decided on psychology as a major. He wanted to document the things he saw, the way people acted when they weren’t worried about how they’d appear to the world. Ben had always hated posed shots. He was lost in thought as he grabbed a few more books and went back to the table where he was studying.

Perry could feel someone staring at him. He looked up briefly, but only saw the tall brunette walking back toward the table he’d been sitting at when Perry came in. Looking back down at his papers, his thoughts turned to the man sitting across the library.  He’d seen him around when he was on his way to class and they’d usually smile politely in acknowledgement as the other passed by. Perry wished they’d had more time to stop and talk to each other and he’d be lying to himself if he said he didn’t find himself looking forward to seeing him every morning. He was always carrying around a camera and Perry wondered what kind of pictures he took. When he looked up again, he saw that the brunette was again re-shelving his books and was about to leave. He felt a knot crop up in his stomach and his palms started to sweat. Perry felt he would miss his chance of knowing the other man's name if he walked out now so he whistled quietly to get his attention. Perry felt a small smile bloom on his lips when the other man turned around and started walking towards him. He kicked the chair out and motioned for him to sit down. Perry whispered, “Midterms kicking your ass too?”

“Uh...yeah. Yeah, they’re a little rough,” Ben said quietly. “So, I’ve seen you around a lot.” Ben mentally kicked himself because _of course_ they both knew that, it didn’t need repeating, and looked down at his hands. “Uh...I mean...I’m Ben.” Ben could feel the blood rushing to his face and he wanted to leave. He felt his leg start to bounce nervously as he chanced a small glance across the table and saw that same small smile he saw every morning and an outstretched hand. Ben felt himself smile broadly as he took it.

“Perry. It’s nice to finally put a name with the face,” Perry’s heart stuttered a bit when he saw Ben smile; it lit up his whole face and Perry couldn’t deny that he now had a full-blown crush on him. He returned the smile and pushed his books to the side so they weren’t in Ben’s way. “So-” Perry jerked his head to the Polaroid that sat on the table - “what’s with the camera? I don’t think I’ve seen you without it.”

“Pictures capture moments in time. When they’re posed they’re not real. I’ve always hated that whole fake smile thing,” Ben smiled as he quickly took a picture of Perry, “It’s fascinating to see what people really look like when they’re not putting up some kind of front for the world.” Ben slid the picture across the table when it was developed and although Perry usually hated having his picture taken, there was something about the candid shot Ben had taken that he liked. He was looking intently at the camera, but there was something different in his eyes. They fell into easy conversation talking about everything from sports, Ben was on the wrestling team and Perry had played hockey in high school, to what they wanted to do after college; Ben was unsure, but he knew he wanted to travel and Perry wanted to be a doctor.

“Wanna get something to eat? There’s a bar down the street that is usually pretty quiet and I could go for a beer,” Perry said as they both stood up from the table. They must have talked for hours and Perry’s stomach was growling. He also didn’t want the day to end already. Ben was easy to talk to and he laughed when Perry would mutter something sarcastic under his breath. Usually, people just looked at him like he was an asshole.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” Ben pulled the keys to his truck out of his pocket, “I’ll drive.” The silence as they walked around the corner to his truck was a comfortable one, which, ironically, made him nervous because he was _never_ comfortable with silence. He didn’t feel the need to make jokes just so the ringing in his ears would stop and he noticed, for the first time that afternoon, that the constant ball of nerves that had resided in his stomach as long as he could remember didn’t seem quite as overwhelming. He wondered if it was Perry. When Perry nudged his shoulder and asked him what his car looked like, Ben felt himself be pulled out of his thoughts and back to the moment, a feeling that usually only happened when he was taking pictures. Ben pointed out his truck and knew that he’d like to keep Perry around. He didn’t know that Perry was having similar thoughts as they drove to the bar.

* * *

 

They’d become fast friends, usually going to a nearby bar to watch a game, drink beer, and eat greasy food. It had been about a month when Perry realized he was in trouble as his crush on had started to grow into something more meaningful. He hated himself when he saw Ben taking a long, slow, drink of his beer and all Perry could think about was kissing him. Ben clearing his throat brought Perry back to the game of pool and decided that he was going to have to start taking cold showers if he couldn’t get a handle on his stupid feelings.

Ben looked at him as Perry lined up his shot; he liked to study Perry when he thought the other man wouldn’t notice. He caught himself staring at Perry’s ass when he bent over the pool table to take his shot so he forced himself to study more innocuous parts of the man before him: his hands, his arms and the way the muscles moved underneath his skin, and his eyes that were such a calming shade of blue. Ben felt a smile come to his lips as Perry cursed under his breath. It looked like Ben was going to win this game again. It was just so easy to be with him and when they were together, Ben didn’t seem to get lost in his own head as much. He didn’t get so twisted up with his words and he spent less time concerned about the world around him.

They were content to continue their routine until they both happened to be staring at the bartender as he reached up to grab a bottle on the top shelf. They managed to catch each other looking at him and their faces went crimson.

Before Ben realized what he was doing, he was whispering in Perry’s ear and placing a hand at the small of his back, gently leading him back out to the truck. When Ben was sure they were alone, he gripped the front of Perry’s shirt and kissed him. He pushed Perry until he heard his back hit the door of the truck and when Perry started to kiss him back, Ben knew he wouldn’t be able to let him go.

When Perry felt Ben’s tongue slide into his mouth, he wrapped his arms around him and pulled him even closer. Perry knew he was moaning into Ben’s mouth, but he couldn’t bring himself to care and they only smiled as they stopped to breathe and Ben leaned his forehead against Perry's.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you since the day I met you,” Perry whispered as he pressed his lips to Ben’s again. This time the kiss wasn’t as urgent, but had no less want. Perry was grateful his apartment was only a couple blocks away because he needed to feel the other man bare against him and Ben didn’t deserve for their first time to be in a dirty alley or the cramped cab of his own truck.

As Ben got behind the wheel and started the short drive to Perry’s apartment, he couldn’t stop glancing at the man next to him. He also couldn’t stop thinking about the hand that Perry had on his thigh, creeping higher and higher. He’d rub small circles with his thumb against the denim fabric of Ben’s jeans and then he’d stop to move his hand slightly higher. The three-minute drive seemed like an eternity and Ben didn’t think he had ever gripped the steering wheel so tightly in his life. He also considered it a personal victory that he didn’t whimper when Perry removed his hand as they got out of the truck.

Perry led Ben up the stairs to his apartment, his hand at the small of his back the entire time. He gripped his keys to keep his other hand occupied so he didn’t just grab Ben and push him against the wall to kiss him again. When they finally got to his apartment, Perry couldn’t get the door open fast enough and Ben’s fingers had found their way under his shirt and started grazing his hip. He took a breath to steady himself as he unlocked the door and pushed Ben inside. He had just closed the door when Ben pushed him back against the door and started kissing him again. Perry leaned into him and grabbed a fistful of Ben’s hair and tugged, Ben letting out a gorgeous moan and revealing his throat as Perry started to kiss his way down his neck.

Ben pulled at the hem of Perry’s shirt and when he stepped back to pull it off, Ben quickly slipped his own over his head. He felt Perry move him against the wall and as Ben admired his bare chest, Perry began undoing Ben’s belt. Ben sucked at his collarbone while Perry began to deftly unbutton Ben’s pants. Ben felt him pause and he breathed out a moan. “Why are you stopping, c’mon, Perry, please.” Ben knew he was whimpering and probably sounded pathetic, but he needed to be as close as possible to Perry _now_.

“Are you sure this is what you want,” Perry took his face in his hands and was amazed at the want in Ben’s eyes; his pupils were dilated and his lips looked bruised. Perry wanted Ben more than anything, more than air. Ben may have kissed him first, but he didn’t want to put any pressure to have sex on their new and still fragile friendship. He’d take Ben back to his dorm if that was what he wanted. He didn’t want him to leave, but he wanted to keep those eyes in his life, even if it meant it would kill him to be only be friends now that he knew what Ben’s kiss tasted like. Or the absolutely filthy things he was whispering in his ear earlier. Where the hell had he picked up that skill?

“I don’t put out for just anyone, y’know. Now shut up and kiss me again,” Ben breathed. Perry quickly obliged and as Ben tangled his hands in his hair, he felt hands rubbing at his ass. Ben bit at Perry’s lip and started to unbuckle the other man’s belt. He was working on unbuttoning Perry’s jeans when he felt himself being maneuvered towards the bedroom. They were both panting, toeing off their shoes along the way and losing their pants in a heap next to the couch. They stood at the foot of the bed, their eyes never leaving each other as Ben sat down on the bed and started kissing down Perry’s chest. He started stroking him through his boxers as one of Perry’s hands grabbed a fistful of his hair again. He smiled against his skin as he heard Perry moan from deep in his chest. He loved that he could make the usually stoic man fall apart. He was about to pull the waistband of Perry’s boxers down when he felt himself being pulled back to Perry’s lips.

Perry would have given anything to see Ben sucking him off, but he was already so close and he wanted this to last as long as possible. He kissed Ben like his life depended on it and when the burning in Perry’s lungs returned, he let Ben get comfortable while he grabbed a condom and lube from his nightstand. He turned around when he felt something hit him in the face and his brain nearly short-circuited when he realized that Ben had thrown his boxers at him. He looked at the bed to see Ben laying in the middle, staring at him and lazily stroking himself. Perry felt a haze move into his brain as he scrambled to the bed, ripping his own boxers down. Perry knelt between Ben’s legs and leaned down to kiss him softly. Their eyes met and Ben nodded, unspoken words hanging in the air, and Perry kissed Ben again, deeper this time, as he squirted some lube onto his hand. Perry slowly slid a finger into him and relished in the quiet moan that fell from Ben’s lips.

Ben was aching and he knew Perry was too if the grunts and increasingly desperate kisses as he stretched him were anything to go by. Ben knew Perry didn’t want to hurt him, but he _really_ needed Perry to fuck him. Now. “Perry, please. Please, just _fuck me_ ,” Ben groaned and Perry nodded and quickly rolled the condom on as if Ben was going to change his mind. Ben wrapped his arms around Perry and pulled him close, chest to chest, as Perry pushed into him.

“Ben. Fuck, Ben. God, you feel so good,” Perry said between thrusts and he knew this was going to be over long before he wanted it to be and he wanted to make sure Ben finished too. He wrapped one of his hands around Ben’s cock and stroked him in time with his own hips.

Ben knew he was going to come soon if Perry kept fucking him like that. He wrapped a leg around Perry’s hips and whispered in his ear. He felt his back start to arch and he dragged his fingers down Perry’s back as Perry’s thrusts started to falter and Ben knew he was close too. “C’mon, Perry. Come for me,” Ben continued whispering in Perry’s ear and nipping at his jaw. Perry was moaning from deep in his chest and held him even closer as they finished together.

When Perry felt like his legs could support him again, he slipped out of Ben and went to the bathroom to throw away the condom. He also grabbed a towel to clean Ben up. When he got back to the bedroom, Ben had already dozed off and Perry smiled at him fondly as he cleaned Ben off and slid in to bed beside him. Ben gave a mumbled, “Thanks,” before sprawling halfway onto Perry’s chest. Perry put one of his arms behind his head and the other pulled Ben closer as he started to drift off.

 

* * *

 

Sunlight was coming through the window when Perry woke up to find Ben gone. It’s not like he expected to wake up to find the other man still in his arms, but Perry couldn’t deny that he missed Ben already. He got up and slipped on a pair of sweats while still thinking of Ben. He was at the refrigerator, when he saw a note taped to the counter.

_Perry,_

_Had to leave early for practice and I’m having lunch with my sister afterwards. I had fun last night, but nothing has to change if you don’t want it to. We don’t have to do it again. Anyway, we’re still on for the Kings game tomorrow night. You pick the joint this time._

_Ben_

Ben was giving him a way out in case he’d woken up and regretted their night together. Perry didn’t, but did Ben? Maybe Ben wasn’t looking for a boyfriend and was just looking for a casual thing every now and then. Perry pushed his blossoming feelings towards Ben down and decided he’d do anything the other man wanted. If Ben didn’t want to date, Perry would be fine with that. He’d be okay as long as Ben kept smiling at him.

 

* * *

 

They had a routine. Ben and Perry would go out and have a few beers before going back to Perry’s apartment and watching TV. Usually they’d start by kissing each other softly and then Ben would climb into Perry’s lap on the couch, grinding into him. Sometimes they’d have the presence of mind to make it to the bedroom, but other times they were both desperate and didn’t even make it off the couch. Other nights they didn't even make it to the couch at all before one of them would sink their knees as soon as they walked in the door. They were best friends who had sex every Friday night and they were both content to push their feelings down when they’d lay together afterwards if it meant that they got to keep each other in their lives.

 

* * *

 

 

It was the end of the semester and they were watching a football game on TV that Ben didn't really care about. Their beers grew warm on the coffee table and the tension between them had been growing the past few weeks. Ben was tired of just having sex on Friday nights with Perry. He wanted something more and he thought they could have something _real_. Ben saw how Perry looked at him when he thought he wasn’t looking, but Perry never seemed to actually want to do anything about it. The words Ben had wanted to say that first night were still dead on his lips and the weight of the confession he wanted to make still sitting on his chest made it hard to breathe.  He knew he was panicking, knew he was falling into himself, but Ben felt powerless to stop it. He was biting his lip until he tasted blood and his leg had started to bounce uncontrollably when he felt Perry’s hand on his shoulder.

“You okay?” Perry murmured. He’d looked over at Ben and saw that he had gone pale and still. He knew Ben went quiet sometimes, but this was different. He looked like he was about to be sick and his hand was gripping the arm of the couch so hard it had gone white. “Ben,” Perry started again when Ben still hadn’t answered him.

He turned to stare at Perry for a moment. Ben wished he didn’t have to say the words and that his kiss could speak for him, but he knew Perry was dense when it came to feelings. He knew they were going to have to have a talk, but he wanted to kiss Perry again in case he never got the chance after Ben told him he wanted a relationship. He straddled Perry’s lap and kissed him. Perry immediately moved to deepen the kiss and his hands settled at Ben’s hips, but Ben leaned back before he lost his self-control. “We need to talk,” He said as he took Perry’s face in his hands.

Ben was sometimes hard to read and Perry felt his heart drop into his stomach at Ben’s words. What did they need to talk about? Was Ben tired of him already? He looked Ben in the eyes, but he still had a hard time reading all the emotions in his eyes.

“Let’s cut the shit, Perry.” Ben spoke softly and was rubbing his thumb along Perry’s cheek as he spoke.

Perry felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Ben didn’t want to see him anymore, didn’t want to be friends anymore. If it was the sex, they could stop tearing each other’s clothes off Friday nights and just be friends again. He was about to tell Ben that he didn’t care if they never had sex again, but that he was his best friend and Perry didn’t want to lose that when he spoke again.

“I just...I don’t want to do this anymore,” he said and Ben could see the panic flare in Perry’s eyes, “I mean...I like you, Perry. A lot. I don’t want to do _just_ this anymore. I want this to be something. Something _real_.”

Perry felt like he could finally breathe again. Ben wasn’t cutting him out of his life. He wanted to try and see where this would go. That was all Perry had ever wanted, but he didn’t want to pressure Ben into a relationship. Perry knew he was a difficult person to be with, but he was willing to try to be the person Ben deserved.

Perry hadn’t said anything, but Ben wasn’t nervous about the silence. Perry was staring at him with this awestruck expression on his face and Ben felt his heart skip a beat. He already knew he was in love with Perry, had known it for weeks, but Perry was skittish and Ben was patient. He’d wait for Perry to realize that he loved Ben too. Perry still hadn’t said anything, but was just gazing at Ben with a half smile and an emotion on his face that Ben couldn’t place. He rolled his eyes and kissed Perry again, this time bringing his hands under the other man’s shirt. When Ben pulled back again, he grabbed his camera from the back of the couch and took a picture. Perry’s mouth was still hanging open slightly and his eyes were half closed. A large smile was starting to bloom across his face.

It lay discarded on the coffee table as Perry pulled Ben close and said, “Yeah...I’d like that, Benji.”

Ben smiled at the nickname; nobody but Jordan had called him that since he was a kid. It sounded different coming from Perry’s lips. It lacked the teasing quality that Jordan had, but it was warm and it made Ben feel safe. He led Perry to the bedroom and Ben knew they had a lot to talk about before he went home in the morning, but, for the first time in long time, Ben didn’t feel himself getting tied up in knots thinking about the future.

-

Ben woke up before Perry and watched the sun rise through the window. He and Perry had agreed to take it slow, at least until Ben returned from winter break. He didn’t really want to leave Perry so soon, but he knew Jordan would kill him if he didn’t come home and referee her bouts with their mother. He slid out from under Perry’s arm and dressed quietly. Ben hit his knee on the dresser and mumbled a curse when Perry lifted his head up from his pillow and mumbled, “Where’re you goin’? Come back to bed. It’s only,” Perry looked at his watch before slamming his head back down, “Oh God, Ben, it’s seven o’clock in the mornin’.”

Ben walked back to the bed and kissed Perry’s bare shoulder before whispering, “I’m just going to go get some breakfast. I’ll be back soon.” He knew Perry had already fallen back asleep as he quietly grabbed his boots and sat on the couch to slip them on. Ben smiled when he saw the picture he’d taken last night of Perry. He stuck it in his shirt pocket and walked to the diner down the street. He knew Perry liked their omelettes and it’d be nice to have breakfast together before he hit the road. He called Jordan from the pay phone while he waited for their order. Ben told her he’d be home a little later than planned, but still before noon. He hung up when Jordan started teasing him about his new boyfriend and how she couldn’t wait to break out the Sullivan family photo albums. When he finally returned to Perry’s apartment, he wasn’t surprised to see that Perry still lay in the same spot he’d left him in nearly an hour prior. He started the coffee and was putting their breakfast on plates when he felt Perry’s arms wrap around his waist. Ben smiled as he poured himself a cup of coffee. He was going to miss the quiet domesticity they seemed to quickly settle into.

“What time do you have to leave,” Perry asked and kissed his neck.

“I told Jordan I’d be there before noon,” he replied as he leaned into Perry’s embrace.

“Well,” Perry peered over Ben’s shoulder and looked at his watch, “we have time then.” Ben grinned as Perry turned him around and kissed him before leading him back to the bedroom. The food was cold by the time they returned over an hour later.

When it was time for Ben to leave, Perry walked him to the door. He kissed him and Ben wanted to melt at the pure softness of it. “You’ll call, right,” he whispered against Ben’s lips.

“Yeah, Per. I’ll miss you.”

Perry smiled as Ben patted his cheek and walked out the door. Perry watched him until he was out of sight. He wondered what it would be like to fall in love with someone like Ben.

* * *

 

“Perry, you’re being an _idiot_ ,” Ben said, slamming his book down on the counter.  Perry knew Ben didn’t really think he was an idiot, but he couldn’t help the anger he felt rising to the surface

“If you think I’m such an idiot, then why are you still here?” Perry bit out and turned around to face Ben.

“Sometimes I ask myself the same question,” Ben muttered. He was just so tired of Perry always putting himself down. He wished Perry could see himself the way Ben saw him. He was so smart and so much kinder than he gave himself credit for. He listened as Perry carried on and Ben was getting more annoyed as he stood there. He knew Perry was lashing out and would regret what he was saying later, but that didn't mean he had to stand there and take it. He _was_ a Sullivan, after all. He fired back as Perry moved closer to him.

Perry pushed his way past Ben to grab his jacket and storm out the door. He needed some air. He didn’t care what direction he was walking in; he just wanted away from the apartment. He knew the hurtful things he’d said still hung in the air and he wanted to distance himself from them.

Perry shoved his hands in his jacket pockets as he walked past another bar. He didn’t want to get drunk, not tonight. He sat down on a bench and put his head in his hands so he could think. It had been a stupid fight, but he fully expected to be going back to his apartment and Ben would be gone. Perry didn’t know how long he sat there, but he figured he had given Ben enough time to get his things and leave Perry in the dust. He felt a pit form in his stomach as he made his way back to his apartment. He was going to lose the one person who actually meant something in his life. Perry was surprised to see Ben’s truck still parked near his apartment building. _He’s probably still upstairs getting his stuff together_ , he thought as he walked up the stairs. He unlocked the door and saw Ben’s boots still sitting where he’d taken them off hours before.

Perry immediately felt Ben pulling him close and taking his face in his hands. “You were gone for _hours_. Perry, I was worried sick,” Ben whispered as he looked Perry up and down, checking to make sure he really was okay.

Satisfied that Perry was in the same condition as when he’d left, Ben just held him close for a long moment before Perry whispered, “I’m sorry, Benji.” Perry rested his forehead against Ben’s as they stood in the entryway holding each other.

Perry was staring at the ceiling, his head in Ben’s lap, from the couch. He couldn’t stop thinking about the intensity of the feelings he felt for Ben. Perry wasn’t sure what they were, but he knew they were overwhelming. Ben was reading a book and absentmindedly carding his fingers through Perry’s hair. He couldn’t quite look at Ben as he said, “I thought you were going to break up with me.”

Perry’s voice was so quiet that Ben wasn’t sure he’d heard him correctly. A small part of Ben wanted to laugh because the idea that he’d ever break up with Perry was ridiculous, but he knew he couldn’t do that; Perry was starting to let him in, to let Ben see behind all the walls he put up. Ben put his book on the coffee table and kissed Perry softly as though he were something fragile. When Ben pulled back he rubbed Perry’s cheeks with his thumbs and whispered, “Never.”

Ben knew a grand speech wouldn’t matter to Perry, wasn’t what he needed to hear to be reassured that he wouldn’t leave him. If Ben thought Perry wouldn’t run, he’d tell him he loved him in a heartbeat. But he wanted Perry to be comfortable and he’d wait until he was ready.

Perry started to drift off, his hand in Ben’s, as Ben picked up his book and started reading again.

 

* * *

 

 

Ben stood awkwardly at Perry’s door waiting for Perry to answer. After a few long moments, he started to wonder if Perry was even home. He didn’t talk about his family much, but Ben knew they weren’t the type for family Christmases. He was about to knock again when Perry opened the door, pulling on a sweatshirt.

“What the hell,” Perry started, but upon seeing Ben, his tone softened, “Sorry, I was asleep on the couch,” Perry finished, moving to let Ben inside. “What’s all this?” Perry motioned at Ben’s full arms.

“Food. I figured you’d be too busy to actually make a proper Christmas meal so I brought you some of ours,” He kissed Perry’s cheek as he set everything down on the table. Perry watched as Ben got plates and started setting the table while Perry wrestled with his feelings. He wasn’t sure how to feel. He and Ben had talked on the phone a lot the past two weeks, but if he was being honest with himself, he still expected Ben to break up with him. Sure, Ben seemed sincere in that he liked Perry, but he had a hard time taking those things at face value. He realized Ben was also holding out a wrapped gift for him. Perry’s mouth went dry and he felt shame coloring his face. He hadn’t gotten Ben anything, hadn’t been able to afford it. Perry knew Ben’s family had money, but he hadn’t expected it to become an issue so early in their relationship.

“I...I didn’t get you anything. I’m sorry...I just couldn’t.” Perry stared at the floor. Ben tilted his face up so that they were looking at each other.

“Perry. I don’t care. You make me happy and, for me, that’s enough,” Ben said as he offered Perry a small smile and kissed him before continuing, “I always had problems growing up connecting to people. It’s like there’s a disconnect between my mouth and my brain and I never seem to say what the right things, despite my intentions. It’s just...my brain is so _loud_ , Perry. It feels like a maze, sometimes. But being with you helps. I can finally hear myself think and the pit of anxiety in my stomach settles down. That’s never happened with anyone before. It’s nice to finally be able to be myself and know you’re not going to look at me differently.”

Perry took the small box and laid it on the table before he closed the gap between him and Ben. He’d open the gift later, right now Perry wanted to just be with Ben. Perry pulled him closer and he felt Ben relax into his arms. Perry still wasn’t sure of his feelings for Ben yet, but he knew they frightened him. He pushed down his basic urge to pick a fight and push Ben out of his life. He couldn’t get hurt if he never let anybody in. Ben had started to rub the back of Perry’s neck and he knew Ben was smiling when he whispered, “Thank you, Benji.”

* * *

Perry watched Ben sleep as he drew nonsensical patterns across the other man’s arm and back. Ben lay halfway across Perry’s chest, as he usually did, and was snoring softly. As happy as Perry was, he couldn’t sleep. He thought about Ben’s confession earlier that day and his own troubled childhood. They were both a little broken, but in different ways. And, Perry thought, when they were together, he felt whole. It was like the sharp edges of himself fit perfectly with Ben’s broken pieces. Ben shifted in his sleep a little and reached for Perry’s hand while mumbling something Perry couldn’t make out. Perry laced their fingers together and smiled softly as he realized he was falling in love with Ben. The thought of loving Ben and being loved back, faults and all, didn’t scare him as much as he’d thought it would. He finally fell asleep with Ben’s hand in his and thoughts of their future on his mind.

Ben had his duffel bag slung over his shoulder and was telling Perry that he’d see him next weekend when Perry felt this sudden weight in his chest. He couldn’t breathe and it felt like he had a barbell stuck on his chest. Perry kissed him before Ben walked out the door and started down the hallway. “I love you,” he screamed at the other man. Ben turned around and Perry could see his eyebrows were hidden beneath his hairline. He felt himself start to panic, but Ben just walked back into the apartment and kissed him. Ben dropped his duffel bag as one hand rested on Perry’s hip and the other gripped his head and angled him so Ben could kiss him deeper.

They both stopped to catch their breath and Ben whispered, “I love you too, Perry.” Ben kissed him again and Perry knew he couldn’t wait until next weekend to have Ben moaning under him again. As if on cue, Ben let out a breathy moan as Perry gripped his ass. Perry decided the couch was as good a place as any if they could make it there.

When Ben left later that afternoon, he pulled the collar of his shirt up to hide the mark Perry had left on his collarbone. He looked back at Perry leaning in the doorway with a fond smile and his hands in his pockets. Ben smiled in return and realized that he’d never been this happy before.

 

* * *

 

Ben had all but moved in with Perry when he returned in January. He still had a dorm room on campus, but Perry figured all of his stuff had to be crammed into his apartment. Even all of Ben’s cameras were sitting on a makeshift bookshelf in the living room and his collections of polaroids sat in shoeboxes under the bed, in the closest, and wherever else Ben could find a place for them. Perry pretended to be annoyed when he found something else of Ben’s in his apartment, but, in reality, he loved hearing Ben trip over his own boots every morning and seeing Ben’s flannels next to his sweatshirts in the closet.

 

Ben liked to surprise Perry, sometimes. That was why he was sitting on Perry’s bed, having let himself in with the key Perry had given him, skimming through a magazine wearing absolutely nothing. _Well,_ Ben thought, _I’m wearing the watch Perry got me for my birthday_. He knew Perry’s class schedule and expected him back at any time. When Ben heard the key in the lock, he felt his heartbeat quicken and tried to lay as seductively as possible on the bed.

Perry’s head was killing him and he just wanted to lay down before he had to start studying again. As he set his backpack down, he noticed Ben’s boots by the door and the heavy feeling in his chest started to fade. Maybe Ben could stay for dinner and they’d just lay on the couch and watch TV when he was finished the paper he needed to actually start. Perry passed by the couch and saw Ben’s shirt slung over the back and a pair of his jeans by the bedroom door. Perry opened to the door and he was sure his brain experienced some kind of electrical short because he found himself unable to move as he stared ahead of him.

Ben was laying on his bed, completely naked and nonchalantly flipping through a magazine as though the mere sight of him wasn’t sending all of Perry’s blood rushing south. Perry leaned against the doorway and continued to stare as Ben started to lazily stroke himself. The sight of Perry, gripping the doorframe and his mouth ajar did more for Ben than he thought it would.

Ben threw his magazine on the floor and sighed, “Are you going to make me do all the work?”

Perry wasn’t even sure how he ended up on the bed with Ben, but as soon as Ben opened his mouth, and goddamn he could make anything sound completely _filthy_ , Perry was kissing him. He didn’t care where his kisses landed as long as his lips were on Ben’s skin. He nipped at Ben’s collarbone as he started to take off his own clothes.

“I took the liberty of warming up while I was waiting for you,” Ben whispered in Perry’s ear as he pushed the bottle of lube into Perry’s hand and Ben could swear that he saw the exact moment that Perry lost his self-control. Perry kissed Ben again as he pushed into him, moaning from deep in his chest. Ben answered Perry by threading a hand through his hair and continuing to whisper in Perry’s ear. Ben whimpered at the loss when Perry pulled out completely. He could see the want in Perry’s eyes, but there was something softer behind his lust: love and his heart swelled even as Perry repositioned him so he could fuck him harder and deeper.

Perry sank into him again and Ben wrapped his legs around Perry’s middle as Perry’s moans got lower and deeper in his chest. Perry knew he was close, but he wanted Ben to finish first so he brought his free hand to Ben’s cock, using his other to support himself. He began to whisper in Ben’s ear as the other man’s constant stream of filthy thoughts started to dissolve into moans. “Come on, Benji,” Perry started to falter as Ben’s moaning got louder and his head fell back, “That’s it, baby.” Ben came across his stomach and Perry’s hand as Perry followed shortly after.

They laid together, not moving for a long moment before Perry laughed and kissed Ben softly,“I can’t wait to see what you have planned for my birthday.” Ben smiled as Perry rolled off of him and pulled him to his chest.

“I love you, Perry.”

“I love you too, Ben.”

* * *

 

  


Perry woke up when he heard Ben fumbling around in the dark for the clothes he’d laid out the previous night. Why Ben _willingly_ signed up for eight a.m. classes was beyond him, but he rolled onto his stomach and tried to go back to sleep. He felt his heart swell when Ben kissed his shoulder and whispered, “Love you, Per.” Perry fell back asleep wondering what it would be like to wake up next to Ben for the rest of his life.

 

* * *

 

Perry asked Ben to officially move as the spring semester ended. “I mean, your stuff’s already here and this way you don’t have to drive down all the time. I mean if you don’t want to, that’s fine, I’ll help you get your stuff together and,” Ben cut him off with a kiss.

“I love you, Perry. Besides, I already told my family I was staying here for the summer anyway,” Ben whispered as he leaned his forehead against Perry’s. Perry laughed because Ben always knew how to call him on his own bullshit and kissed him again, harder this time.

“I love you too, Benji,” he said, leading Ben to the bedroom they now shared with the intention of showing him just how much he loved him.

 

Later that night, Ben sat on the kitchen counter while Perry made dinner. Ben had been quiet for a few hours and while Perry knew sometimes Ben got a little lost in his head, he was still learning to read the other man. He wanted Ben to share those things with him, even though he still had yet to tell him about his childhood.

“Do you think I’m weird?” Perry nearly jumped at Ben’s voice; it seemed so quiet and unlike his usual deep voice that Perry wanted to laugh, but there was something in Ben’s eyes that stopped him. He moved away from the stove and stepped between Ben’s open legs, his hands resting on Ben’s thighs.

“Definitely.” Ben’s eyes dropped to his lap and the worry line above his brow seemed to grow deeper before Perry continued. “But that’s what makes you interesting. God, Ben, you’re so funny and so so smart. And you’re caring. You make me want to be better; I want to be the person you see. I love you. Benji, I love you so much.” Perry brought his hands up to Ben’s face and rubbed his thumbs over his cheeks. “You never have to be anything but yourself with me,” Perry said softly as he tilted Ben’s head down so Perry could kiss his forehead.

Ben closed his eyes and leaned into Perry’s embrace. His brain just seemed to go so fast and be so loud sometimes that he couldn’t help but get lost. Being with Perry helped quiet the excess noise in his head; helped keep him in the moment. When Perry went back to the stove to finish dinner, Ben slipped off the counter and grabbed his camera from the table. He took a picture of Perry standing at the stove with a beer on the counter next to him. Perry turned around and smiled at the sound. Ben took another as Perry looked at him and he felt the love in Perry’s eyes wash over him.

They were both busy that summer as Ben started work with a construction crew and Perry studied for his MCATs. And on the nights they could spend together, they spent them lost in each other.

Summer slowly turned to fall and Perry's MCAT scores came back. He scored well and he knew he had a chance at most medical schools in the country, but his heart broke when he thought about leaving Ben behind. 

“Per, your score was fantastic. You've worked so hard for this and you should go wherever you're going to have the best opportunities. I'll go with you, wherever you choose. I _love_ you,” Ben told him one night and the amount of love in Ben's eyes scared him a little.

He knew he should apply to Johns Hopkins, but he swore to himself he'd never go back East after he finally got out of that house four years ago. But things were different now; Ben was at his side and loved him, but sometimes his past had a way of creeping up on him. He suddenly couldn't breathe and his father's voice echoed in his head. He couldn't stop the memories and eventually they boiled over as he lashed out at Ben.

Perry stormed out of the apartment without another glance at Ben and walked to the bar that was a few blocks away from their apartment. He wanted to chase the memories away with a bottle of scotch, but the more shots he took the more he thought about his father. He called the apartment a few hours later when the bartender cuts him off and he knows he's too drunk to walk home alone. Perry tries not to wince at the hurt in Ben's voice when he answers.

“Perry, are you okay?”

“ 'm fine. Come get me?” Perry asks and Ben notices that not only is he drunk, but that his voice sounded so small and child-like.

“Yeah, I'll be there. I love you.” Ben ran his fingers through his hair as he looked for his car keys.

“You too, Benji.” Perry hung up and went back to his stool. When Ben arrives, he's still nursing his last drink.

They sat in silence for a few moments before Perry mumbled, “Sorry I jus’ walked out. But Ben...I'm scared. I swore I'd never go back out there, not after what I went through growing up. Paige and me…we barely made it. She turned to God to get herself through the beatings, but then she left and where did that leave me? Alone with the old man and my mother who wouldn't do anything to stop him. Ben, you shouldn't want to be with me. You shouldn't love me; I'm fucked up. I don't want to hurt you.” Perry looked at him and Ben noticed that his eyes were red and watery, but he couldn't tell if it's from the alcohol or the emotion. The broken look in Perry's eyes makes him want to take Perry in his arms and tell him that everything will be okay; that he's safe now and that he is loved, but he can't do that. Not here. He knows Perry needs to get his story off his chest so he just offered him a comforting smile. 

“You should just go before I drag you down too. You're so good, Benji. So good and kind,” he continued and Ben's heart breaks for the man next to him. He knew Perry had a rough childhood and that his father had been an alcoholic, but he'd never expected this. Ben supposed that explained why Perry worked out regularly and boxed when he could. He didn't want to be helpless again.

Ben put his hand on Perry's shoulder and squeezed gently. “ C’mon let's go home,” her whispered as he paid Perry's tab. Ben helped him to the truck and then up the stairs to their apartment. Perry hadn't said anything else other than a few mumbled “Thank you's. Ben led him to the bedroom and got him undressed. Tucking Perry into his side, Ben combed his fingers through the other man's hair. Ben stayed up, listening to Perry's soft murmurs and even breathing. He thought about their relationship and how much he loved Perry. He thought about how he had been sinking quickly less than a year ago, but then Perry came along and showed him how to swim. Perry didn't save him, but loving Perry and being loved in return made him want to save himself. Ben wanted that for Perry and he'd be damned if he spent his whole life looking for Perry just to lose him to a bottle. He knew he couldn't save Perry, but maybe Ben could help him want to save himself.

When Perry awoke the next morning, Ben was already awake and smiling softly at him. Perry thought he looked a little sad, but the throbbing in his head pushed all other thoughts to the back of his mind. Ben got him some aspirin and water and rubbed his back as Perry laid back on the bed with his eyes closed. Eventually, when the room stopped spinning, Ben spoke in a hushed voice, repeating words Perry had told him months before.

“You don't have to be anybody but yourself with me. I know you're scared, but I'm here with you, we're together, and I love you. I love you so much, Per. That's enough for me. I want to go to Baltimore with you. I want to see you become the person you were meant to be; the doctor you're going to become.”

Perry looked in Ben's eyes and found the same overwhelming love he'd seen the night before. It didn't scare him as much anymore. He took Ben's hand in his and suddenly, he felt like he could face his demons as long as Ben was with him. He might stumble, but if Ben stayed at his side, he could make it. Perry smiled and hoped it could convey just how much Ben meant to him.

December settled over California again; they started looking for apartments and planning their life together. At night, when they lay tangled up with each other, they each wonder how they got so damn lucky.

 

* * *

 

 

Ben and Perry moved the last of their boxes into their new one-bedroom apartment; it was barely bigger than a studio, but it was theirs. Perry knew he wasn’t one for decor, so he let Ben decorate the spaces with a few plants, the knick knacks he’d collected, and his cameras which were scattered across the apartment so that one was never out of reach. Ben also displayed some of the pictures he’d taken of them over the last year and a half and the love between them was obvious. When Ben was done and he laid on Perry’s chest on the couch, Perry looked around the apartment while Ben started to doze off. It looked homey and lived in, but Perry knew that his home wasn’t a place; holding Ben close felt more like home than Perry had ever experienced.

 

Ben sat by the window, mesmerized, as he watched the snow fall. It was quiet in the apartment, only Perry’s even breathing and the heater making any sound. Perry had fallen asleep hours ago grumbling about how he missed California and how he’d had “Eighteen years of Pittsburgh winters, enough is enough.” He looked away from the beauty outside to look at Perry in the bed, face down in his pillow. As much as Ben loved the warmth of the California sun beating down his neck, he thought he could get used to living here, living like this. He turned his attention back towards the window, watching the big flakes come down even harder.

He had lost track of time when he heard Perry mumbling, still half asleep and reaching towards him,“Benji, come back to bed...still be there in the mornin’.” Ben watched as Perry rolled over and immediately fell back asleep. He sat on the edge of the bed and ran his fingers through Perry’s hair as he continued to look out the window. He wouldn’t trade this quiet moment for anything.

When Perry woke up a few hours later, Ben had fallen asleep in his arms. He got out of bed, taking care not to wake the other man, and padded to kitchen to start a pot of coffee. When he returned, Ben had woken and was staring out the window again, his face very nearly pressed against the glass. He hadn’t heard Perry come back in, so he set his coffee cup down and grabbed one of the cameras that Ben always kept nearby. He was by no means a photographer like Ben, but he wanted to capture that look of amazement on his face forever. Ben turned and reached for Perry as the picture developed, the camera already laying forgotten on the nightstand, and wrapped his arms around Ben’s middle. Ben continued to stare out the window, still transfixed by the blanket of snow that had settled overnight, but Perry couldn’t look anywhere but the man in his arms. He kissed the back of Ben’s neck as he thought about the life they’ve started to build together and their future, but also thought that he wanted to stay in this moment forever.

 

* * *

 

Ben was on the couch when Perry shuffled in the door, looking dead on his feet. “Per, you okay,” he called as he heard Perry putting his stuff down in the other room. He heard a muffled answer, but Ben didn’t press him. He knew Perry would come to him when he was ready.

“I don’t think I can do this,” Perry whispered, a few minutes later, leaning over him. “We lost a patient today; she was just a kid.”

Ben put his book down and looked up at Perry’s face, his heart breaking at the look on he found on his face. He kissed Perry softly and patted the seat next to him. As he sat down, Ben took him in his arms. He knew Perry didn’t need words and Ben would wait for him to talk through the emotions he was feeling; Ben wasn’t always the most patient, but he’d wait forever for Perry.

“I shouldn’t care this much. I’m not going to be a good doctor if I can’t accept that death is always inevitable,” he whispered as he leaned into Ben’s embrace.

“Perry, you’re the smartest person I’ve ever met. But, god, you can be really stupid sometimes. _Of course_ you care, that’s what’s going to make you a _good_ doctor. You care so much about your patients and it’s going to be hard if you have to lose them, but they can see how much you care about them. And their lives will be better from having you there.”

Perry thought about what Ben said for a while as he listened to Ben’s breathing and looked down at his own hands. He didn’t want to care, and maybe he did care _too_ much, but maybe Ben was right. That wasn’t a weakness, but a strength. “I love you,” he whispered as Ben’s hand started to run through his hair.

“I know. I love you too,” Ben said as he pulled Perry even closer.

 

It was the first night he’d been home before midnight in over two weeks. He’d been doing a rotation in the ER and was _exhausted_. All he wanted to do was crawl in bed and sleep for the next forty-eight hours, but as soon as he walked in the door and saw Ben in the kitchen, he just wanted to take the other man in his arms for a while. These past two weeks, he'd only seen Ben asleep as he'd get home long after Ben had fallen asleep trying to wait up for him and having to leave again before he woke up. Seeing him stirring something on the stove, his sweatpants hung low on his waist, Perry realized that he still sometimes felt overwhelmed by the intensity of his love for him.

Ben noticed him staring and flashed a smile at him. The look of love in Perry’s eyes always made him feel so warm. “Come here,” he said as he reached for him and took Perry’s hand in his. Ben kissed him when he stepped closer, hoping to convey how much he loved him and the longing he’d had the past two weeks. Perry wrapped his arms around him, pulling him flush to him, as he started to push Ben towards the counter. “I missed you,” Ben whispered when they stopped to breathe, their foreheads touching.

Perry tangled his hands in Ben’s hair as he smiled. “I missed you too, Benji. So much,” he said as Ben’s hands had found their way under his shirt. He smiled as he kissed Ben again. They kissed in the kitchen, lost in each other, until Perry stepped back and asked, “Is something burning?”

“Shit,” Ben yelled as he reached to turn the burners off on the stove. Perry tried not to laugh as Ben held up the pot that had originally held pasta and some sort of sauce, but was now charred and stuck to the bottom. When Ben started laughing as he just threw the pot away, Perry joined him.

“Pizza, it is then,” Perry said as he started to dial the number to their favorite pizza place.

When the pizza arrived, Perry’s books and Ben’s work belt were scattered on the table so they opted to sit in the floor in the living room. They sat across from each other, the pizza between them, as they talked about their days. When Ben left to get them some more beers, Perry couldn’t help but follow Ben and kiss him again, pinning him up against the wall. He’d missed Ben in more ways than one and he knew Ben had missed him too as he led them to their bedroom.

* * *

They were on the highway out of Baltimore, the windows were down and the sun was shining. They sang along to the mix tapes Ben had made for the trip and every so often there would be the sound of Ben’s camera as he took picture after picture of Perry or the view outside. After the first day, in which Perry took a wrong turn based on Ben’s directions and admittedly poor map reading, they decided to check into a little roadside motel in Pennsylvania for the night. And as they fell asleep holding each other close, they thought there was nowhere else they’d rather be.

Ben was driving and Perry knew they were getting closer to Pittsburgh as he stared out the window. The radio was playing softly, but Perry could still hear the sounds of his childhood echoing in his ears. It was as though he was a kid again hiding under his bed when his father came home. He felt nauseous and a weight settled across his chest. He rested his head against the window as he tried not to think about his parents and Paige. He thought absentmindedly about how he should probably give her a call when they got back to California, but talking to her was too hard, especially now that their relationship was even more strained. She represented everything he had tried so hard to forget; tried so hard to undo. He felt Ben take his hand in his and rubbed soft, comforting circles with his thumb. Ben knew there wasn’t anything he could say, but the simple act of just letting Perry know that he was loved and he never had to return was enough. They shared a look as Perry turned away from the window and put his feet on the dash. He felt thankful that Ben was with him and loved him, despite his scars and his troubled past. Eventually, he fell asleep as Tom Petty came on the radio.

Later, they sat in the bed of the truck, a Bruce Springsteen tape playing from the cab, and watched the sun go down. Perry sat with his back against the window and Ben sat between his legs. Perry’s chin rested on Ben’s shoulder as he pulled the other man close to him, his arms wrapped around Ben’s chest. They didn’t need words to express just how much they loved each other.

Ben knew Perry needed comfort, but when they would sit together like this and Perry would hold Ben close, it helped calm Ben just as much as it did Perry. They needed each other and Ben was thankful that Perry had mustered up the courage to talk to him in the library nearly six years ago. He brought one of Perry’s hands to his lips and started to drift off as Perry hummed “Born to Run” in his ear.

 

They were somewhere in Missouri, Ben asleep on Perry’s chest as they laid in the bed of the truck, when Perry thought that he’d marry Ben if he could. It stung more than he thought it would, knowing he didn’t have the opportunity, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to see a ring on Ben’s finger. He loved him more than anything - even himself - and Perry wanted to spend the rest of his life holding Ben close.

 

Perry was driving on a back road in Kansas when he felt Ben’s hand between his legs, putting slight pressure on his dick through his jeans. Perry felt his hands tighten on the steering wheel as Ben scooted closer to him and started to whisper in his ear. Even after six years together, Ben could still make him weak in the knees with the filthy things that came out of his mouth when he got turned on.

They hadn’t done much but a few quick handjobs in the back of truck since they hadn’t stayed in a motel for over a week and Perry knew Ben was in a mood; had known when Ben had woken up about fifty miles back and stared at him with a look Perry knew all too well. Perry was proud of himself when he didn’t whimper as Ben pulled his hand away and he felt his heart rate start to slow and his breathing evening out.

It was short lived as Ben started kissing his neck and unzipping his pants. “Ben...come on, I’m driving,” Perry said, but made no effort to move away. Ben smiled as pulled Perry’s cock out of his boxers and kissed the tip. Perry gripped the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were turning white as Ben took him in his mouth. He tried to protest, but everything came out as a gasp as Ben moaned around him. They hadn’t seen another car on for close to an hour and Perry was having difficulty keeping his eyes open as Ben started making absolutely _obscene_ noises around his cock. He started to buck his hips up when he decided he had to pull over or he was going to wreck. The tires screeched and dust flew into the air as Perry slammed on the brakes so hard they nearly ended up in the ditch.

Ben looked up at him and had the nerve to look innocent as he started to suck even harder. Perry’s eyes closed and his head fell back as he rested a hand on the back of Ben’s head. When they were done, and Ben had been thoroughly repaid with a hard, albeit cramped, fuck in the cab, they continued driving until they reached Colorado.

The next day as they were driving through Wyoming, Ben was driving and he thought Perry was asleep in the passenger seat so he let his mind wander. He could count on one hand how many cars they’d seen on the road that day. Ben thought about their life and what was waiting for them when they got back to California. Perry was starting his intern year at Sacred Heart and they’d gotten an apartment near the hospital. He missed his sisters, but most of all he was just glad to be anywhere Perry was. His thoughts were interrupted as he felt Perry’s hand start to stroke him through his pants. Ben looked down at Perry and saw a mischievous gleam in his eyes and he knew he was about to pay for sucking Perry off while he was driving yesterday.  Perry leaned up to kiss him before unzipping his pants and just sinking his mouth onto Ben. He didn’t even try to protest and he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold out as long as Perry had yesterday, not when Perry was moaning deep in his chest and licking up the length of him like that.

Ben lasted about five more minutes before he just stopped the truck and hoped he was close enough to the side of the road. He tangled a hand in Perry’s hair and pushed him down farther onto him. He knew Perry liked when Ben wasn’t shy about what he wanted and Perry let out an answering moan as he took Ben fully in his mouth. He also knew that Perry liked to hear him and Ben tried to keep his thoughts together until all he could manage were moans and gasps as Perry swallowed around him. Ben pulled him up to kiss him as his found their way to Perry’s own zipper. Ben started to jerk him off as Perry’s head fell to his shoulder and Ben whispered in his ear when his brain finally started to work again. When Perry finished and they were holding each other as close as the small cab would allow, they whispered to each other until they felt composed enough to start driving again. Perry eventually fell asleep, his head on Ben’s shoulder and his hand resting on Ben’s thigh.

They decided to take a break from driving and camped for week in Yellowstone before getting back on the road. They spent their days hiking and their nights holding each other close by the campfire, talking about their future. Talking about their lives and what they had planned didn’t scare either man as much as they thought it would. For Ben, Perry calmed many of his anxieties just by being there; he didn’t try to change him or get annoyed when Ben needed to do things a certain way, Perry just kissed his forehead and told him that he was loved.

Perry hadn’t ever dared to think he’d find someone like Ben; it didn’t seem to be in the cards for him and for a long time he’d been content with casual fucks in back seats, but then he’d met Ben and he started thinking about a future. As Perry stared into the fire, Ben sitting between his legs trying to read in the dying light, he found himself hopeful for the future, a future he never thought he’d have. Ben, having given up trying to finish his book, turned his head to kiss him and Perry thought that everything had fallen into place for him; it was perfect.

They were in Utah and Perry wanted to get to the Grand Canyon before sunset. The windows were down and Ben was singing at the top of his lungs to his Eagles tape, his camera still hung around his neck. Perry took Ben’s hand in his and brought it to his lips. He heard Ben’s camera go off and pulled him closer so Ben was nestled under his arm. They continued driving down the empty highway as they sang together.

Perry leaned against the side of the truck and watched as Ben laid in the dirt just beyond the “Welcome to California” sign. He’d practically jumped out of the truck when he saw it, running at full speed and yelling back at Perry, “We’re home, Per.”

Perry walked over to Ben on the ground and blocked the sun from his body. “Perry, you’re in my sun,” he said, opening one eye to look at him, and Perry shifted a few inches to the left.

“Ben, baby, please tell me what’s so different about _this_ dirt,” Perry waved his hand at the ground near them, “opposed to that _same dirt_ , over there,” Perry questioned and Ben stared at him as though it was the most obvious answer in the world.

“We’re in California, now.”

Perry chuckled as he laid down next to him and scooted close. He’d made a home out of Ben, but he couldn’t deny that being back in the state felt like home too.

* * *

 

They’d spent the better part of the last week furniture shopping and spending as much time together as possible before Perry started his internship tomorrow. They were laying on the couch, Perry’s arm stretched out along the back of the couch and Ben reading a book leaning into his side, when the rings Perry had bought earlier suddenly felt heavy in his pocket. They weren’t much, just simple silver bands, but he’d been thinking about it for a while and he’d finally found a pair he could afford and that he thought they would both like. “Hey, I got something when I went out earlier,” he whispered into Ben’s hair.

“I swear to god, Perry, you’re not putting one of those creepy anatomy skeletons in the living room,” Ben said without looking up from his book.

Perry chuckled slightly as he thought about the miniature anatomy figure he’d had in med school. Ben had hated it, “It’s eyes just follow you,” he’d said. It was still in a box somewhere in their storage unit and he thought maybe he’d dig it out closer to Halloween.

He took Ben’s face in his hands. “You remember that night in Missouri when we laid in the back of the truck and just looked up at the stars,” Ben nodded his head and gave him a fond smile. “I’ve known for a long time I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, Benji. But that night...that night I knew I’d marry you if I could,” Ben’s hands came up to rest on his and Perry could see that his eyes were watery. “You’ve always had more hope than I could ever muster, but...baby, that was the first night I wasn’t scared anymore; I was _hopeful_. I wasn’t scared of being in love and being completely and utterly vulnerable with another person. I’ll love you forever and I want to be yours forever, too.” When Perry was finished he pulled the rings out of his pocket and slipped one onto Ben’s left ring finger. Ben kissed him so softly that Perry wasn’t even sure their lips had touched.

“I love you so much, Perry. Forever. Always. I love you,” he whispered as he took the other ring from Perry’s hand and slid it onto his finger. They laid on the couch the rest of the night, Ben on Perry’s chest, and just stared into each other’s eyes, both wondering how they’d found someone so perfect.

* * *

 

Perry was with a patient when his pager went off. His brow knit closer in worry as he wondered why the hell the ER was paging him. He excused himself and told Mr. Truman that he’d be back to check on him later. He dialed down to the ER and hoped it was a mistake because otherwise it would mean Ben had gotten hurt. Again. The last time had been three months ago when he’d _somehow_ managed to get hit in the head and he passed out. As he waited for somebody to pick up the other end of the phone, he wished Ben didn’t work construction. He could do anything, be anything he wanted to be, but the klutz decided he wanted to be a contractor. When a nurse finally picked up and told him that it _was_ Ben in the emergency room, he felt his stomach fall to his knees and his heart started racing. His fingers touched the ring on his left hand as he ran down the stairs. He hoped Ben was at least conscious this time.

“Sullivan. Where is he,” Perry asked as he finally reached the nurses’ station.

“Room 2,” she said and Perry barely muttered his thanks before he was gone again. He stopped outside the door and prepared for the worst, but he felt himself exhale the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding when he heard Ben’s laughter from the other side. He opened the door and peeked his head in. Perry was relieved to see Ben in one piece, but decidedly less relieved to see the board that Ben had nailed to his hand.

“The nail went clean through, so as soon as you’re comfortable we’ll take it out,” someone spoke to Ben and Perry recognized him as one of the hand surgeons on staff. Ben noticed him staring and winked at him. Perry thought about punching him for making him worry, but he knew all he really wanted to do was take Ben in his arms and make sure he was okay.

“Hey, Per,” he said as Perry moved to stand next to him. Perry put one of his hands on Ben’s shoulder as the hand surgeon told Perry that they’d already given Ben morphine and they’d get the nail out as soon as possible. Ben could tell by the look in Perry’s eyes and the set of his jaw that he had been worried. He _told_ them not to page Perry, that he’d find him later and they could just go home when his shift was over.

Once the surgeon left, Perry pulled him into his arms and he checked to make sure Ben really was okay before he spoke, “Benji, you can’t be so careless.”

Ben rolled his eyes; they’d had this discussion a hundred times. “Perry, I’m fine. You need to relax, it was just an accident.” Jordan walked in before Perry could continue.

“Oh, thank God at least you’re awake this time. I don’t think I could deal with the waterworks again from Per-Per, here,” she said as she strolled in the room and hit Perry lightly in the arm before hugging Ben.

“I wasn’t crying. I have...allergies to whatever you’re polishing your broom with lately,” Perry retorted.

“Hey, you are allergic to pollen. Remember that first spring in Baltimore and you practically had Kleenex just falling out of your pockets,” Ben said as Perry stared at him.

“Benjamin.” Perry said with mock affront.

To Ben’s delight, Jordan took a tonka truck out of her purse and handed it to him. They had their own little tradition whenever Ben was sick or got hurt and while they talked and joked, Perry took comfort in knowing that Ben was safe and relatively unharmed.

“Ben, for god’s sake, why do you have to do contracting work,” Perry asked when there was a lull in the conversation.

“You’re clumsy,” Jordan added.

“The clumsiest person I’ve _ever_ met,” Perry continued.

“Okay. Name one time, that is not right now, that I’ve ever had an accident at a job,” Ben interrupted. However, he didn’t expect Perry and Jordan to immediately begin naming off times with ease. As they continued, Ben ran his truck over Perry’s arms and his chest. Maybe later, he’d remind Perry how good he was with his hands.

 

* * *

 

He looked down at the blood in the sink and sighed as he reached for some more toilet paper. He’d cut himself shaving and he couldn't get the bleeding to stop. When he looked down again, he saw that the toilet paper was soaked through again. Ben sighed as he reached for a towel before going back to their bedroom. Perry was at the hospital; he’d been paged before dawn and Ben had felt him slip away from him, kissing his hair before whispering, “I’m sorry, Benji. I love you.”

Ben didn’t mind that Perry wasn’t home much anymore. So what if he was a little lonely some nights when he couldn’t sleep? Perry had worked so hard for so long and Ben would support him. Besides, his residency was coming to a close in less than a year and then they’d have all the time in the world. Perry would be an attending and they could finally do some of the things they’d been talking about since they’d gotten back to California. They wanted to travel or maybe start hiking again. Maybe they could finish talking about having a family. Having kids wasn’t his number one priority, but he thought that maybe it’d be nice. Ben picked up a book from his nightstand and started to read while he waited for the bleeding to stop.  Finally, he went back to the bathroom and after a few more moments, the small nick on his chin had stopped bleeding. He threw the towel away and started to clean up some of the blood. He just hoped that Perry wouldn’t notice that they were missing a towel now as he tried to reassure himself that it was probably nothing, but that Perry would worry and he had enough on his plate. When Perry got home a few hours later, looking exhausted, Ben kissed him softly and held him close while Perry talked about his day. The bloody towel in the trash was far from his mind as Perry kissed him harder and led him back to their bed.

It was a week later when Perry found out. Ben had been getting ready for work, one of the rare times he had to work and Perry didn’t. Perry was still in his boxers as he leaned against the sink, away from the mirror. Ben was getting out his shaving cream when Perry spoke.

“You know, you’re really handsome when you don’t shave,” Perry said as he moved to stand next to Ben in the mirror. Ben rolled his eyes as he finished putting the shaving cream on his face.

“Well, maybe I’ll grow it out a little for your birthday,” Ben joked as he turned to face Perry, but he looked more concerned with Ben’s back.

“Ben, where did you get these,” Perry questioned as he pointed out bruises near Ben’s hips and a few on his leg.

“I don’t know. I ran into the doorknob the other day when I was looking for my sweatshirt and I know I hit my leg yesterday at work. Gary was moving 2x4’s and,” Ben flinched as he felt the razor nick him, “Shit. I cut myself, can you hand me some toilet paper.” Perry took his face in his hands and held the toilet paper to the cut on his jaw. Ben could tell he was thinking hard about something, but before he could ask what was on his mind, Perry spoke again.

“God, Ben, it’s still bleeding. You must have really cut it deep,” he whispered as he reached for more toilet paper. Ben thought back to the bloody towel that he’d thrown away.

“Well, y'know, it’s weird, but last week I cut myself shaving too and I couldn’t get it stop bleeding then either. I ended up having to use a towel and I had to throw it away because there was so much blood,” Ben said and he watched the color drain from Perry’s face.

“We’re going to the hospital. Now.” Perry’s voice was low and Ben knew it was serious.

They were sitting in Dr. Zeltzer’s office a few days later. Their fingers touched from the arms of their chairs as the oncologist pulled Ben’s file from his desk. He cleared his throat before he spoke, “Mr. Sullivan, you have leukemia. We should really start chemotherapy as soon as possible to give you your best chance at remission.”

Ben wanted to laugh. Sure he was tired, but who wasn't? And yeah, he accepted, he bruised easily and he had a hard time getting bleeding to stop, but _cancer_ ? He suddenly regretted all the times he complained when he’d been sick before. This wasn’t the flu or just a bad cold, he could _die_. He looked at Perry and saw a flash of fear before he reached for Ben’s hand. When Perry turned to look at him, Ben saw the fear had been replaced by determination. Perry’s hand rested on his cheek and he looked directly in Ben’s eyes as he spoke. “You’re going to beat this, Benji. You’ll be okay. _We’ll_ be okay.”

Perry wanted to believe the words he was speaking to Ben, but he still felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach. Ben had _cancer_. Perry wished they weren’t sitting in the oncologist’s office, but at home. He wished they were on the couch, or in their bed, holding each other. Perry tried to make himself believe they’d have more of that. He squeezed Ben’s hand again, hoping that at least Ben believed the assurances even if he couldn’t. He felt tears start to prick at his eyes, but Ben needed him to be strong so he pushed his emotions down.

Ben wanted to believe him and his free hand came up to clutch at the ring he wore on a chain around his neck. He needed to be brave for Perry. They’d beat this and then they had the rest of their lives to spend together. They would figure it out and he’d try not to be afraid. He nodded his head and willed any tears he had not to fall. They both turned back to Dr. Zeltzer and he finished telling them that they could start Ben’s chemotherapy today if he felt up to it. Ben nodded and they started filling out the paperwork.

* * *

 

He stared at the clump of hair in the sink and this time he let himself start to cry. He’d come in here because he’d been feeling sick again. Now, he felt sicker than ever. Ben had hoped Perry would have been right and his hair would only thin and not fall out. Perry knocked on the bathroom door and set a glass of ginger ale down next to him. 

“We were wrong,” he whispered as Perry wrapped his arms his middle.

“Benji, baby, I’m so sorry,” Perry said and even though his voice was muffled by Ben’s sweatshirt, he could tell Perry was crying.

“I want to shave my head. I can’t sit here and just watch it fall out. I can’t,” he said as he leaned into Perry, another tear rolling down his cheek.

Perry kissed the back of his neck and just held him for a moment before speaking, “Okay, Benji. I love you.”

Ben could only nod as he let Perry lead him out of the bathroom and to their bed where they spent the next few hours just holding each other, trying to be brave.

* * *

 

 

It was his last day of chemo and he felt hopeful. Sure, it had made him sick the last two months and he’d lost a lot of weight because he just didn’t feel like eating, but he still felt that he was finally on an upswing. His thoughts turned to Perry as he watched the _drip drip_ of the IV. They had the rest of their lives together and Ben couldn’t wait. He thought about how easy it had been to fall in love with him and how he was still as in love with him now as he’d been eight years ago. He snapped out of his memories when he felt Perry’s lips on his cheek.

“Sorry, Pete apparently forgot all four years of medical school and had me paged to babysit him,” Perry said as he rolled his eyes and pulled a deck of cards from his pocket. He pulled up a chair and put his feet in Ben’s lap. Ben didn’t know how he would have made it through this if Perry hadn’t been there. “Draw on three,” Perry said and Ben laughed as he drew the three of spades and stuck it to his forehead.

“Oh, you’re going down,” Perry said, unaware of the two of hearts he was holding to his own forehead.

When they played cards it made it a little easier to forget why they were there. Ben could pretend he’d just dropped by to see Perry and he wasn’t actually sick. They were able to forget for a while until Jordan dropped by to see him with a new tonka truck.

“Oh, god, this game again? It doesn’t even make sense when you can’t see what card you drew,” she muttered as she kissed Ben’s cheek and pulled up a chair on the other side of him.

“Did she just skip the part where people say hello to each other,” Ben asked Perry as he inspected the truck Jordan had handed him. Perry laughed when Jordan rolled her eyes and took the truck back as Ben stared in horror.

“Hello, Benji. You don’t look quite as pale,” she said as she held the truck out of Ben’s reach.

“I missed the sweet talk, Jordaroo. Now give me the truck and nobody has to get hurt,” Ben said as he reached for it, but failed.

Perry leaned over and grabbed the truck out of Jordan’s hand, “Be nice to him,” Perry told her as he handed the truck back to Ben. Ben smiled as Perry winked at him. Jordan and Perry continued to tease each other as Ben started to run the truck over Perry’s legs. Perry groaned when his pager went off again, “It’s probably Pete again. I swear if he asks me how much Tylenol to give some old woman, I’m going to kill him.” He started to get up and Ben felt Perry press his lips to his forehead before he turned and walked out.

* * *

 

Ben had another appointment this morning with Dr. Zeltzer, his post-chemotherapy blood work was back. He sat next to Perry in the office as they waited for him to come in; Ben hoped it was taking so long because it was good news. They wouldn’t make him wait if it was serious, would they? His leg started to bounce nervously and Perry put a hand on his forearm. “It’ll be okay, Ben,” he said quietly as he rubbed his thumb in small circles. When the oncologist finally came in the room holding Ben’s file, he didn’t look excited or pleased. It wasn’t good news; it wasn’t okay.

 

* * *

 

 

Jordan and Perry were in the hallway talking to Dr. Zeltzer and even though Ben couldn’t hear them, he knew what they were talking about. The chemo wasn’t working and they were running out of options. In lieu of a bone marrow transplant, he was dying and they were going to make him comfortable. He took a picture of them; Jordan was leaning on Perry and Ben could see tears streaming down her cheeks while Perry was trying to keep his face emotionless. He put his camera away while the picture developed. He didn’t want to take pictures anymore, he wanted to spend his energy fighting to stay with Perry. When the three of them came back in the room, Perry held his hand a little too tight and Ben knew he was scared. Perry tried to reassure him with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes at all, but Ben knew the truth; he was dying.

That night after Jordan had left and Ben had failed to convince Perry to go home and get some sleep, he pretended to be asleep as he heard Perry praying to a god Ben knew he didn’t believe in.

“God, please... _please_ . I’ve never asked you for anything and you owe me at least one thing. You owe me for the bullshit Paige and I had to go through growing up. Just...please... _please God_ , let him live. I need him. I love him.”

Ben wanted to reach out and take Perry in his arms, but he knew this was something private for Perry and even though his heart ached for the man next to him, he continued to pretend to sleep as heard the quiet sobs coming from the chair next to him.

 

* * *

 

Ben was having a good day and Perry had asked Jordan to bring some of Ben’s pictures in along with the mix tapes Ben had made what seemed like a lifetime ago. They spent the afternoon laughing and reminiscing about their life. Ben eventually tired and started to fall asleep, but Perry left the tapes in with the volume on low and he looked through some more pictures. They were so happy and so carefree, completely oblivious to what they were going to face. He closed his eyes for a moment and he could still feel the sun on his face and the wind in his hair as Ben sings along to some Journey song. They’re on a back road in Indiana and Ben is asleep next to him, Tom Petty playing softly from the speakers. They’re in the back of the truck staring up at the sky in Wyoming with Bruce Springsteen’s voice billowing softly from the cab.

Perry almost forgets where he is and his heart breaks again when he opens his eyes and remembers he’s in the hospital watching the love of his life die. He touches the ring on his finger before he puts his face in his hands. He’d give anything to change this, to go back to when Ben was healthy and wasn’t wasting away in front of him.

 

Ben has a bad night and all Perry can do is climb into bed next to him and hold him close as he shakes and mumbles incoherently. He lays Ben’s head to his chest and kisses his forehead. He strokes the little bit of hair that has started to grow back in when Ben stopped the chemo and he whispers in his ear, hoping that as much pain as Ben is in, he can still hear him. “Benji...I love you so much. God, baby….I can’t do this without you. Please don’t make me live without you.” Perry knows he’s crying, but he can’t bring himself to care as Ben tries to tell him something.  “I know, Ben. I know...you love me too,” he whispers as Ben squeezes his wrist a little. Perry talked about the future they were going to have once Ben went into remission. They’d move out of the apartment and into a house, maybe they’d get a dog or a cat. Perry thinks they could talk about having a kid, he thinks he’d like that and maybe he wouldn’t be such a terrible father. Perry eventually falls asleep, Ben’s head on his chest and his arms wrapped as tightly around the other man as he can get them.

They stayed like that until morning, when Jordan quietly walks into Ben’s hospital room. If this was three years ago, hell, even six months ago, she’d make a joke about how nauseatingly in love they were. But, her brother is dying and she gives them the tender moment that they so desperately needed.

 

Ben knows he’s dying and he’s come to terms with it. He’s had a good life, even if it is about sixty years too short for him. He may have come to terms with dying, but he knows Death will have to take him kicking and screaming away from Perry and he still can’t bear the thought of leaving him alone. He tries to let Perry know that the best thing he’d ever done in his life was fall in love with Perry. He starts writing a letter for Perry to read after he’s gone. He only works on it when he makes him go home to get some sleep or at least go down to the cafeteria to get something to eat.

Ben may be an optimist, but he’s realistic enough to know that it’ll be hard for Perry when he dies. He still wants Perry to try to be happy, to move on with someone else. He tries to tell him this one afternoon, but Perry looks sick that he’d even bring it up.

“Benji….baby, don’t talk like that. You know I can’t promise that. I love you. I _will always_ love you,” Perry whispers and his eyes are wet. Ben wants to hold him close, but he’s so tired and the IVs make it difficult to maneuver so he scoots as close as possible to the edge of the bed and Perry lays his head down on Ben’s thigh. Ben runs his fingers through Perry’s hair as the other man cries until he’s fallen asleep.

When Jordan drops by later that day and Perry has been paged, he gets Jordan to promise to look after him when Ben is gone. She promises to do her best, but she can’t guarantee that Perry will listen to her. She doesn’t think she can put the love of her brother’s life back together when he’s gone.

 

Ben knows he’s dying and it’s coming soon. He knows Jordan will look after Perry, but he tries to ask God too.

“God, look. I don’t know if you’re listening or you’re on some beach cloud sipping Mai-Tais, which if you are and I’m down here dying? Uncool, man. I have a favor. Please watch over Perry when I’m gone. I know you and have a troubled relationship, but I’m the one dying here. Don’t let him die when I do. And if you can, send him someone to love again. He has so much of it and he deserves to be able share that with someone,” Ben whispers one night as Perry is asleep in the chair next to his bed, one hand holding onto Ben’s and the other supporting his head.

Perry knows Ben doesn’t have much longer as he sits next to his bed and watches him sleep. He’s been sleeping a lot lately and when he is awake, he’s in so much pain and all they can do is give him more morphine. He knows Ben is holding on for him and it breaks his heart. He doesn’t want to let him go, but seeing him in pain like this is almost as bad as having to sit here and watch him die. Almost. One night, when the morphine doesn’t help anymore, Perry climbs back into bed with him and just holds him close like he’s done so many nights before. Losing Ben is, without a doubt, the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.  He knows Ben wants him to be okay when he’s gone, but Perry knows he won’t be. But Ben is dying now and he deserves to hear it, even if Perry knows it’s a lie.

“Ben...Benji...God, I love you so much. I know you’re trying to hang on for me, but it’s alright. You can let go. I promise to try to be okay. I love you,” he says so quietly that he can barely hear himself. He knows he won’t be okay, but he knows he can’t sit and watch Ben suffer for him anymore.

Ben knew he was dying as they watched the sunrise one last time. He couldn’t breathe and he tried to remember Perry’s smile and how loved it had made him feel. He was so tired and he was faintly aware that Perry had brought Ben’s hand to his lips and was crying. He thought he heard Perry screaming, “Ben...Benji, baby...no. _Please_ ,” but he closed his eyes one last time and thought that if there was an afterlife, he’d see Perry again someday.

* * *

 

Ben died on a Tuesday in February and Perry thought the whole world may as well have ended too. Perry heard himself scream, but the ache in his chest felt like it would consume him. He didn’t know how long he sat there, holding Ben’s hand and staring at his lifeless body, tears streaming down his face, but eventually Jordan pulled him away as they came to take his body to the funeral home. She asked him if he wanted her to take him home, but he knew the apartment wasn’t home anymore without Ben there. He pushed past her and went to work because maybe if he tried hard enough, he’d die too.

Perry hadn’t left the hospital in three days when Jordan came back to take him to the funeral. He looked so lost and so empty. She gave him the suit Ben had wanted him to wear and then managed to get him in her car. He didn’t protest, just stared blankly as they drove to the cemetery. She dropped him off to give him some time alone before everyone else showed up. He was still staring at the casket when she returned an hour later with her mother and sister. The ring Ben had worn seemed heavy in her purse. Perry hadn’t been able to take it before they’d taken him to the funeral parlor and Jordan knew he’d want it when he was able to think clearly.

Perry didn’t listen to the sermon the pastor was preaching; he didn’t care. His whole world was laying in a casket in front of him. Perry knew his cheeks were soaked and he didn’t know when he’d started crying again, but he didn’t feel the need to wipe them away. He didn’t care how vulnerable he looked, Ben was gone and he was never coming back.

 

It had been three weeks since Ben’s death and Perry tried to stay at the hospital as much as he could. He touched the ring on his finger and thought about it’s mate that was laying in a box back at the apartment. Jordan had given it to him after the service, but he couldn’t look at it again and he couldn’t bear to take his off just yet. He felt tears prick at his eyes again as he tried to throw himself back into work. He was looking at a patient’s chart when Dr. Kelso came up to him.

“Dr. Cox...Perry. We need to have a talk,” he said as he steered Perry to his new Chief of Medicine office. “You need to take a vacation. You’re going to burn out if you keep this up and I won’t lose one of my finest doctors like that. You need to actually _grieve_ instead of just pushing everything you’re feeling down. So, take a few weeks. I’ll find coverage and when you get back, your residency will be finished and you’ll be one of our new attendings.”

Perry stared at Dr. Kelso and wondered when he’d been replaced by a pod person, but before he could give it much thought he was being pushed out of the office and led to the parking lot. His feet somehow managed to take him back to the apartment and he unlocked the door before he broke. He sat on the couch and took in all the memories around him. Ben hadn’t been here much before he’d died, but he could still feel him here and if he tried hard enough, he could pretend that the ache in his chest wasn’t killing him and that Ben was just at work.

He found a bottle of scotch that someone had bought him for Christmas last year and he didn’t bother with a glass, drinking straight from the bottle. He couldn’t handle the memories right now and so he drank until he fell asleep on the couch. Perry couldn’t go into their bedroom.

He drank during the day so he could sleep at night without Ben’s voice in his ears or his smile on his mind. It seemed to work until Jordan came over one day and sat with him. She told him about how Ben had made her promise that she’d look after him. He hadn’t spoken much, but he felt guilty after she left for letting Ben down. He took another drink of the bottle of scotch he’d bought yesterday and went to the bedroom. He’d avoided it since he came back to the apartment, but he missed Ben so much and maybe if he slept in the bed, he could remember the nights he’d laid awake that first year wondering how someone like Ben had ever fallen in love with someone like him. He opened the door and his heart jumped to his throat, he saw pieces of Ben everywhere he looked. He laid down on his side of the bed and pulled Ben’s pillow to his chest. He knew it was illogical, Ben hadn’t slept in this bed in over two months but Perry could still smell his shampoo on the pillow and his cologne in the air. He tried to hold off the tears as long as he could and he wants to be angry at Ben for leaving him this way, for leaving him alone, but he knows he loves him too much to be angry. He just missed him so goddamn much and it wasn’t _fair_. Perry closed his eyes and wished against everything that he’d just wake up from this horrible nightmare. That he’d open his eyes again and Ben would be there, fast asleep beside him. He felt sick when he opened his eyes and he was still there, in their bed, alone. He cried himself to sleep as his body ached to hold Ben just one last time.

* * *

 

When he gets up the next morning, he knows he has to start trying to go on with his life. He promised Ben and he still wants to be the person he had fallen in love with. He knows it’ll be hard and that he’ll always have this hole in his chest where Ben used to be, but he promised Ben he’d at least try. And so he does. He goes through Ben’s stuff and keeps his cameras, pictures, and books. He gives the rest to Jordan when she comes over one day to check on him, but he moves out of their apartment and into one where he didn’t have memories of Ben in every corner. He can’t bring himself to drive the truck anymore, but he can't get rid of it either. So, he just buys a new car that he knows Ben would have hated. Eventually, Perry stops wearing his ring, putting it with Ben’s in a small box. At least that way, he thinks, they can be together again. He goes to talk to Ben’s headstone sometimes and it helps when his heart aches so much that he can barely get out of bed. And on the days that he wishes he had died too, he’ll let himself get drunk while he looks at Ben’s pictures and holds their rings in his hand.

He doesn’t think he’ll ever truly be happy again, not without Ben, but at least he’s trying to be okay without him.   



End file.
